Norms are community agreements. They can develop passively – family members regularly watching TV during dinner. Or actively – colleagues deciding not to surf the Internet during meetings. Each of these two examples offers a glimpse into family and workplace dynamics. One could surmise from the family example that they don’t take advantage of one of the few times they’re together to deepen their relationships with each other. And we could assume that the colleagues who decided not to surf the internet during meetings have made a mindful choice to give their attention to each other, to be fully present.
Norms, whether passive or active, reflect what we value and have a great impact on relationships and on business; when practiced regularly, they find their way into the cultural DNA of families and organizations. It makes sense then to actively and intentionally create the culture we want to live and work in so that we have robust relationships with people, and can bring out the best in others. This always brings out the best in us and ultimately creates an environment that fosters creativity, rich thinking and a collaborative culture.
When we come together to meet and get business done, we want to create sacred space, one that it is dedicated exclusively to a single purpose: A place that is worthy of respect, where we identify and honor our values, manifest a fulfilling and mindful approach to work and life, and be fully present to possibilities.
How do we develop group norms and how do we get everyone on the same norms page? It’s a question that assumes we’re looking for transformation – The Why – not just The What: tactical or transactional changes. Agreeing not to surf the internet during meetings – The What – for example, is a commitment to be fully present in order to listen, reflect and respond – The Why. Not surfing helps participants look at each other when they’re speaking, to notice bodytalk – The What.
In other words, The Why informs The What.
Developing norms and getting everyone on the same page calls into question our view of leadership, management and authority. “OK: here are the rules: no watching TV during dinner.” This is an authoritative, tactical or transactional response to a situation, vs. transformational: “I really value our time together and want to know what’s happening in each other’s lives, so I’d like to keep the TV off during dinner so we can talk and tell stories.” Getting to The Why opens the door to conversations about what we value, what matters to us, and allows us to examine patterns and habits that have formed.
To develop norms together, we start with the assumption that people want to live and work in nourishing environments where they feel valued and their voices can be heard – where we can agree and disagree without penalty. We can begin our norms discussion with our team by acknowledging this, then we can ask: “How do we want to be present together in our meetings and in the way we interact with each other? What expectations do we have of each other during meetings and beyond? What few things do we need to agree on to foster authentic conversations, to make sure that we’re all paying attention and are respectful of each others’ ideas and styles so we can move the conversation forward? For example, can we agree that we will listen well and not interrupt? That to remain present, we will be “low-tech?” And so on. Then, invite the group to offer their ideas. This can be a rich discussion during which the team’s values emerge and become the focal point. It’s important that everyone feels comfortable with the list they collectively create. Norms are dynamic and can be added to along the way.
Below is a comprehensive list, a compilation of different teams’ norms. It’s important to limit the number to a few key norms you can all live by and to make most of them things you will do rather than won’t do:
• Remain present and accountable (Low-tech and high engagement)
• Evaluate rather than judge
• Respect others’ opinions, styles and rhythms
• Keep it situational not personal
• Respect silence
• Commit to being understood
• Commit to understanding others
• Be mindful about interrupting
• Be kind
• Tell your Truth
• Respectfully work through conflict
• Be aware of bodytalk
• Everyone is accountable to reinforcing the norms
We always hope that at the end of a meeting, people feel good about what happened and are energized to continue working toward commonly shared goals. This can happen when the leader sets the intention that meetings should be a place where:
• Everyone owns a piece of the Truth
• Bringing out the best in others is good for people and good for business
• Feedback and conflict – even challenging criticism and evaluation – can be a positive uplifting experience, when the goal is to bring out that best
• Most people will pursue what they need to learn and change in an atmosphere of trust and encouragement
• Passion and laughter are essential
Norms are fluid and can change as the need arises. Once you have your norms in place, it’s wise to do a quick reminder at the start of meetings as a reminder, then again at the end of each meeting to see if the team thinks it honored them, and what they might need to adjust.
The process of developing norms and living by them leads us through the arduous process of self-discovery and self-actualization as we become more authentic and daring. When meetings are sacred spaces, particularly when the organization’s business is people-centered, it becomes possible to intentionally live its mission and values, and advance its collective vision.
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