When teachers and other staff members come to us with challenges they’re having with other colleagues, it’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to fix it for them. We ascribe this to our desire to free them up to teach or do their jobs. The reality is, it’s often because we don’t know what else to do. Would you like me to help? I’ll talk to so and so for you, or I’ll fix that – these are traps that are easy to fall into when we don’t have tools to help staff learn to solve their own problems and resolve conflict.
When we offer tools
• The teacher gains an opportunity to develop and practice her own leadership and Authentic Conversation skills.
• Staff gains an opportunity to learn the skills of adult leadership and accountability.
• We gain an opportunity to coach the person to solve her own problems, otherwise, she’ll be back next week with another, often more complex problem to take on.
• We have an opportunity to grow as a leader/coach.
When we take the bait
• We become overburdened by being the Go To person: Our To Do list lengthens, the number of 3rd party Authentic Conversations grows, looms and spirals, and we feel like the bad guy.
• Without skills to solve their own problems, colleagues feel insecure about their work and ability. This often creates a morale issue in the school and isolates us from staff. It can also foster gossip as a way of creating a collective identity.
• We become exhausted and spiritually drained.
• Our Kids suffer.
How not to take the bait
The next time a colleague comes to you with a problem she or he is having with another staff member, here’s a coaching model to guide them. Remembering that feelings trump thinking:
• Have the intention of helping staff learn how to solve their own problems.
• Listen carefully with that intention.
»This lights up the part of your brain where optimism, self-observation and compassion reside
• Notice your feelings and name them silently
»“What you resist persists” (Carl Jung). Unacknowledged feelings drive our actions.
• Smile internally in recognition of the feelings
»This reinforces optimism, self-observation and compassion
• Breathe and notice your breathing
»This brings you into the present
• Ask yourself: What outcome do I want: begin with the end in mind.
»This takes you into your thinking brain.
• Narrow the scope of the outcome to address the situation.
»Example: I would like this teacher to have a conversation directly with a colleague who offended her. The process of guiding her to that outcome can be transformational.
Throughout your coaching session with the person, you may need to silently repeat the How Not to Take the Bait technique as bait continues to be offered to you.
Then use Coaching Prompts
• What have you already tried?
»This offers you data and sets the stage for her to own the problem.
• What happened when you said that?
• What outcome do you want?
• What will you say to her toward that outcome that’s possible
»Remind the person to frame her statements in a non-accusatory way and to communicate in person, not through email.
Scripting
• If she doesn’t know what to say, you can offer a script:
»It really hurt my feelings when you said that I wasn’t working hard enough. It would have been more helpful if you had been more specific and told me what your expectations of me are so I can meet them. What do you think he would say?
»People almost always know what the response is likely to be. If they don’t, ask: If you did know, what would you say? This often works, even with Kids.
Practice
• Ask her when she will schedule this Authentic Conversation.
• Check in with her afterward to see how it went and what she learned from it.
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