In a role of public leadership, we really don’t have a choice about telling our story of self.
Marshall Ganz, Lecturer in Public Policy, Harvard College
Leaders engaged in the urgent work of urban education have an obligation to know how to tell the story of self: to our Kids, to the community, to potential teachers, to funders, during PD... We want to connect with the values that drive you because they are my values, our values, the community's values. We want to feel inspired. To feel hopeful. We want to feel your impatience with a system that allows our Kids to fail. We want to know how you turn your anger and despair into hope and vision. What are your plans for the near and distant future for our Kids?
Dig deep. Be fearless.
MAPPING Transform stories and data into music and lyrics for your Urban Aria
• M is for Moment Take us to a Moment that holds your Truth and defines you: a challenge or problem that you have worked through; an interaction with a student, family or community member. Tell a particular story because the specific is universal and tells the story of Us. Be succinct.
• A is for Audience Know your audience to connect with them. Ask yourself: Why am I telling this particular story at this particular time? What do they already know? What new information do I bring to them? What do I want them to walk away chewing on, repeating or acting on?
• P is for Prepare and Practice Prepare as though you are answering questions you wish someone would ask you. Weave stories and data which can be defined in many ways including statistical, anecdotal and observational data. Identify questions that you hope no one will ask because someone surely will.
Practice telling your story but don’t memorize it. Ask for specific feedback: Do I seem
authentic? Do I make clear points? Do I inspire you to act?
• P is for Present tense Tell your story in the present tense to bring you and your audience closer to it.
P is NOT for PowerPoint: Use PP sparingly, skillfully and thoughtfully to imprint the message with images and metaphor. Do not use PP to repeat what you are saying. PowerPoint can reduce your gorgeous orchestration to elevator music – your multi-dimensional self-portrait into a paint-by-numbers canvas. You are the storyteller. You have the power. You are what moves people to action.
• I is for Integrate and Inspire Integrate your head and your heart to inspire the audience to feel and to act.
• N is for Now Now is the time to act. Allow a repetitive phrase to emerge that becomes the musical motif for the score you are creating (I have a dream… Yes we can… I do this work because… Because our Kids will lead…)
• G is for Generosity Embody a deep sense of generosity toward your audience and hold a bigger vision of them than they may have of themselves.
For a wonderful discourse on Public Narrative and Marshall Ganz
Thursday, June 2, 2011
What are Norms And Why Do We Need Them?
Norms are community agreements. They can develop passively – family members regularly watching TV during dinner. Or actively – colleagues deciding not to surf the Internet during meetings. Each of these two examples offers a glimpse into family and workplace dynamics. One could surmise from the family example that they don’t take advantage of one of the few times they’re together to deepen their relationships with each other. And we could assume that the colleagues who decided not to surf the internet during meetings have made a mindful choice to give their attention to each other, to be fully present.
Norms, whether passive or active, reflect what we value and have a great impact on relationships and on business; when practiced regularly, they find their way into the cultural DNA of families and organizations. It makes sense then to actively and intentionally create the culture we want to live and work in so that we have robust relationships with people, and can bring out the best in others. This always brings out the best in us and ultimately creates an environment that fosters creativity, rich thinking and a collaborative culture.
When we come together to meet and get business done, we want to create sacred space, one that it is dedicated exclusively to a single purpose: A place that is worthy of respect, where we identify and honor our values, manifest a fulfilling and mindful approach to work and life, and be fully present to possibilities.
How do we develop group norms and how do we get everyone on the same norms page? It’s a question that assumes we’re looking for transformation – The Why – not just The What: tactical or transactional changes. Agreeing not to surf the internet during meetings – The What – for example, is a commitment to be fully present in order to listen, reflect and respond – The Why. Not surfing helps participants look at each other when they’re speaking, to notice bodytalk – The What.
In other words, The Why informs The What.
Developing norms and getting everyone on the same page calls into question our view of leadership, management and authority. “OK: here are the rules: no watching TV during dinner.” This is an authoritative, tactical or transactional response to a situation, vs. transformational: “I really value our time together and want to know what’s happening in each other’s lives, so I’d like to keep the TV off during dinner so we can talk and tell stories.” Getting to The Why opens the door to conversations about what we value, what matters to us, and allows us to examine patterns and habits that have formed.
To develop norms together, we start with the assumption that people want to live and work in nourishing environments where they feel valued and their voices can be heard – where we can agree and disagree without penalty. We can begin our norms discussion with our team by acknowledging this, then we can ask: “How do we want to be present together in our meetings and in the way we interact with each other? What expectations do we have of each other during meetings and beyond? What few things do we need to agree on to foster authentic conversations, to make sure that we’re all paying attention and are respectful of each others’ ideas and styles so we can move the conversation forward? For example, can we agree that we will listen well and not interrupt? That to remain present, we will be “low-tech?” And so on. Then, invite the group to offer their ideas. This can be a rich discussion during which the team’s values emerge and become the focal point. It’s important that everyone feels comfortable with the list they collectively create. Norms are dynamic and can be added to along the way.
Below is a comprehensive list, a compilation of different teams’ norms. It’s important to limit the number to a few key norms you can all live by and to make most of them things you will do rather than won’t do:
• Remain present and accountable (Low-tech and high engagement)
• Evaluate rather than judge
• Respect others’ opinions, styles and rhythms
• Keep it situational not personal
• Respect silence
• Commit to being understood
• Commit to understanding others
• Be mindful about interrupting
• Be kind
• Tell your Truth
• Respectfully work through conflict
• Be aware of bodytalk
• Everyone is accountable to reinforcing the norms
We always hope that at the end of a meeting, people feel good about what happened and are energized to continue working toward commonly shared goals. This can happen when the leader sets the intention that meetings should be a place where:
• Everyone owns a piece of the Truth
• Bringing out the best in others is good for people and good for business
• Feedback and conflict – even challenging criticism and evaluation – can be a positive uplifting experience, when the goal is to bring out that best
• Most people will pursue what they need to learn and change in an atmosphere of trust and encouragement
• Passion and laughter are essential
Norms are fluid and can change as the need arises. Once you have your norms in place, it’s wise to do a quick reminder at the start of meetings as a reminder, then again at the end of each meeting to see if the team thinks it honored them, and what they might need to adjust.
The process of developing norms and living by them leads us through the arduous process of self-discovery and self-actualization as we become more authentic and daring. When meetings are sacred spaces, particularly when the organization’s business is people-centered, it becomes possible to intentionally live its mission and values, and advance its collective vision.
Norms, whether passive or active, reflect what we value and have a great impact on relationships and on business; when practiced regularly, they find their way into the cultural DNA of families and organizations. It makes sense then to actively and intentionally create the culture we want to live and work in so that we have robust relationships with people, and can bring out the best in others. This always brings out the best in us and ultimately creates an environment that fosters creativity, rich thinking and a collaborative culture.
When we come together to meet and get business done, we want to create sacred space, one that it is dedicated exclusively to a single purpose: A place that is worthy of respect, where we identify and honor our values, manifest a fulfilling and mindful approach to work and life, and be fully present to possibilities.
How do we develop group norms and how do we get everyone on the same norms page? It’s a question that assumes we’re looking for transformation – The Why – not just The What: tactical or transactional changes. Agreeing not to surf the internet during meetings – The What – for example, is a commitment to be fully present in order to listen, reflect and respond – The Why. Not surfing helps participants look at each other when they’re speaking, to notice bodytalk – The What.
In other words, The Why informs The What.
Developing norms and getting everyone on the same page calls into question our view of leadership, management and authority. “OK: here are the rules: no watching TV during dinner.” This is an authoritative, tactical or transactional response to a situation, vs. transformational: “I really value our time together and want to know what’s happening in each other’s lives, so I’d like to keep the TV off during dinner so we can talk and tell stories.” Getting to The Why opens the door to conversations about what we value, what matters to us, and allows us to examine patterns and habits that have formed.
To develop norms together, we start with the assumption that people want to live and work in nourishing environments where they feel valued and their voices can be heard – where we can agree and disagree without penalty. We can begin our norms discussion with our team by acknowledging this, then we can ask: “How do we want to be present together in our meetings and in the way we interact with each other? What expectations do we have of each other during meetings and beyond? What few things do we need to agree on to foster authentic conversations, to make sure that we’re all paying attention and are respectful of each others’ ideas and styles so we can move the conversation forward? For example, can we agree that we will listen well and not interrupt? That to remain present, we will be “low-tech?” And so on. Then, invite the group to offer their ideas. This can be a rich discussion during which the team’s values emerge and become the focal point. It’s important that everyone feels comfortable with the list they collectively create. Norms are dynamic and can be added to along the way.
Below is a comprehensive list, a compilation of different teams’ norms. It’s important to limit the number to a few key norms you can all live by and to make most of them things you will do rather than won’t do:
• Remain present and accountable (Low-tech and high engagement)
• Evaluate rather than judge
• Respect others’ opinions, styles and rhythms
• Keep it situational not personal
• Respect silence
• Commit to being understood
• Commit to understanding others
• Be mindful about interrupting
• Be kind
• Tell your Truth
• Respectfully work through conflict
• Be aware of bodytalk
• Everyone is accountable to reinforcing the norms
We always hope that at the end of a meeting, people feel good about what happened and are energized to continue working toward commonly shared goals. This can happen when the leader sets the intention that meetings should be a place where:
• Everyone owns a piece of the Truth
• Bringing out the best in others is good for people and good for business
• Feedback and conflict – even challenging criticism and evaluation – can be a positive uplifting experience, when the goal is to bring out that best
• Most people will pursue what they need to learn and change in an atmosphere of trust and encouragement
• Passion and laughter are essential
Norms are fluid and can change as the need arises. Once you have your norms in place, it’s wise to do a quick reminder at the start of meetings as a reminder, then again at the end of each meeting to see if the team thinks it honored them, and what they might need to adjust.
The process of developing norms and living by them leads us through the arduous process of self-discovery and self-actualization as we become more authentic and daring. When meetings are sacred spaces, particularly when the organization’s business is people-centered, it becomes possible to intentionally live its mission and values, and advance its collective vision.
The Art of Listening
Effective coaching and deep listening go hand in hand. Here is a quick guide to Listening:
LISTEN
Look
Inquire
Sort
Test suppositions
Empathize and evaluate
New and next
Look: Notice the unspoken cues and signals of the person you are engaged with; there is authentic information available to you there. Although we don’t necessarily know what the particular bodytalk might mean, we have a sense of how it reads, and it might guide us.
Inquire: Positive, trusting relationships are at the heart of receiving, giving and implementing feedback. Ask nonjudgmental questions to create a safe environment: your client will be more willing to engage in self-reflection with you and act on your recommendations.
Sort: During a coaching conversation, many issues can arise; sort them and identify the most pressing strand that needs attention.
Test suppositions: Reflect back to your client what you think you are hearing and any assumptions you might be making.
Empathize and evaluate: Try to understand the client’s feelings by remembering or imagining what if feels like to be in a similar situation. This will allow you tap into your wisdom – to evaluate rather than judge.
New and next: At the conclusion of your session, ask the client if there is something new she has learned, and how she might integrate it into her worklife.
LISTEN
Look
Inquire
Sort
Test suppositions
Empathize and evaluate
New and next
Look: Notice the unspoken cues and signals of the person you are engaged with; there is authentic information available to you there. Although we don’t necessarily know what the particular bodytalk might mean, we have a sense of how it reads, and it might guide us.
Inquire: Positive, trusting relationships are at the heart of receiving, giving and implementing feedback. Ask nonjudgmental questions to create a safe environment: your client will be more willing to engage in self-reflection with you and act on your recommendations.
Sort: During a coaching conversation, many issues can arise; sort them and identify the most pressing strand that needs attention.
Test suppositions: Reflect back to your client what you think you are hearing and any assumptions you might be making.
Empathize and evaluate: Try to understand the client’s feelings by remembering or imagining what if feels like to be in a similar situation. This will allow you tap into your wisdom – to evaluate rather than judge.
New and next: At the conclusion of your session, ask the client if there is something new she has learned, and how she might integrate it into her worklife.
Coach, Lead and Teach to ASSETS ©
Don’t conclude before you understand. After you understand, don’t judge. Ann Dunham, anthropologist.
Evaluate and guide. (Linda Belans)
Urgency is at the core of our work: it pushes us to do whatever it takes for our Kids, turning our impatience with an inequitable educational system into vision and action. Urgency can also direct that impatience to our staff, devolving into coaching to deficits with sentences that being with You’re not, and other phrases that repeatedly send the message to them that they’re not good enough. We know this doesn’t work with students. And it doesn’t work with adults – to retain them or toward achieving our mission.
ASSETS works through inquiry and suggestion to help build essential trusting relationships, which are at the heart of effective coaching. ASSETS creates a mindset to foster successful outcomes. This makes it possible to offer tough feedback when the situation calls for it.
Assess the situation from an open and neutral mind: what will I learn, hear or see today?
Seek information by turning criticism into nonjudgmental inquiry.
Solicit stories to gather data and listen for salient themes to work with.
Extrapolate successful elements and techniques.
Transform successful techniques to apply to challenging situations.
Succeed.
Assess: Before we enter the classroom for an observation, debrief a lesson, or coach a staff member, it’s wise to pause and check our assumptions. We want to make sure we’re entering the room in a mindset of evaluation, not judgment.
→ Will you feel judgmental about the teacher’s inability to capture the students’ attention, or evaluative about the technique she is using to convey information?
The first step is to:
Seek: You walk into a history classroom where the teacher is explaining reasons the United States got involved in WWI. You notice that the students are checked out. Check in with yourself before you check out with the teacher:
→We want to offer successful models to strive toward, rather than dwell on behaviors that don’t work. This sets the tone for true learning and creates pathways for transformation.
A strategy is to:
Solicit: Before you meet with this teacher to debrief the observation, take 60 seconds to focus your attention on her: check your judgment and turn criticism into nonjudgmental inquiry.
Breathe, picture bringing out her best teaching, then enter the debriefing session.
Evaluate and guide. (Linda Belans)
Urgency is at the core of our work: it pushes us to do whatever it takes for our Kids, turning our impatience with an inequitable educational system into vision and action. Urgency can also direct that impatience to our staff, devolving into coaching to deficits with sentences that being with You’re not, and other phrases that repeatedly send the message to them that they’re not good enough. We know this doesn’t work with students. And it doesn’t work with adults – to retain them or toward achieving our mission.
ASSETS works through inquiry and suggestion to help build essential trusting relationships, which are at the heart of effective coaching. ASSETS creates a mindset to foster successful outcomes. This makes it possible to offer tough feedback when the situation calls for it.
Assess the situation from an open and neutral mind: what will I learn, hear or see today?
Seek information by turning criticism into nonjudgmental inquiry.
Solicit stories to gather data and listen for salient themes to work with.
Extrapolate successful elements and techniques.
Transform successful techniques to apply to challenging situations.
Succeed.
Assess: Before we enter the classroom for an observation, debrief a lesson, or coach a staff member, it’s wise to pause and check our assumptions. We want to make sure we’re entering the room in a mindset of evaluation, not judgment.
→ Will you feel judgmental about the teacher’s inability to capture the students’ attention, or evaluative about the technique she is using to convey information?
The first step is to:
Seek: You walk into a history classroom where the teacher is explaining reasons the United States got involved in WWI. You notice that the students are checked out. Check in with yourself before you check out with the teacher:
→We want to offer successful models to strive toward, rather than dwell on behaviors that don’t work. This sets the tone for true learning and creates pathways for transformation.
A strategy is to:
Solicit: Before you meet with this teacher to debrief the observation, take 60 seconds to focus your attention on her: check your judgment and turn criticism into nonjudgmental inquiry.
Breathe, picture bringing out her best teaching, then enter the debriefing session.
- What worked for you in this class? (Remember: You are using ASSETS to build relationships while offering feedback toward change).
- Why did it work?
- What were your objectives?
- What would you have liked to work better?
- I can imagine it was upsetting to you that your students weren’t paying attention and didn’t seem interested. Talk to me about a recent time when your class was fully engaged.
→This is an example of framing the parameters of the brief story you are seeking.
She might reply: We were studying a president whose words were different from his deeds which affected other leaders’ policy decisions. I asked the students to think and talk about the confusion this caused, and to recall for themselves a time when what they said and did were two different things, and how that might have confused people and caused arguments.
→Soliciting stories and listening for salient themes creates a non-threatening environment, takes the teacher to a successful mindset and helps sets the stage to:
Extrapolate: You point out to the teacher that her students are most attentive and participatory when they engage in critical thinking and inquiry, and when they can relate the information to their own lives (dual purpose teaching).
How were you bringing history alive to make it relevant to the students’ lives?
She might answer: I talked about history as if I were telling a story, with characters, action, conflict and so on. You guide her to:
Transform. What dual purpose lesson do you want to teach about our entry into WWI? It is wise to focus on The One Thing you hope to transform.
She may reply: I want students to learn through history that when they fight with people, there are often many things that contribute to it and can affect lots of other people. I want them to learn that words and deeds are powerful.
How would you transform this to apply it to the situation we are working with?
→“We” is inclusive and let’s her know that you are solving this problem together.
If she doesn’t know how to do this, you can offer:
What about setting the stage for entry into WWI as a play and assign parts; some students could play the countries involved to help them think beyond themselves.
The two of you can tease this out. The teacher is likely lit up by now and you realize that her passion for the topic has returned. She is fully engaged; just as you want her students to be: success floods the room. Offer her resources if she needs them.
Succeed: When doing an observation, debriefing or responding to a situation, it’s helpful to assume that people wake up each day with the intention of doing their best.
→We want to aim our responses to a bigger vision of themselves than they might have.
Offer observations about things that work rather than things that don’t work so they know what is expected and have a tangible outcome to head toward. To help insure follow-through and success, break things down into manageable, realistic chunks so that the teacher can build upon them. Compliment her when she’s mastering the art of teaching by pointing out the specific things she has done so she can continue to transfer and transform them.
→Thoughtful positive feedback and tools build confidence and trust. This makes it possible to have corrective conversations when your feedback is direct rather than through the inquiry process.
Coaching and Mentoring
A mentor is a person whose inspires and invites us to become a better person, someone we admire, who offers guidance as we contemplate and shape our future. When families live in close proximity to one another, the role of mentor is frequently played by a trusted relative or family friend, someone whose wisdom is available by example. But with many of us separated from our family and friends of origin, we consider ourselves fortunate to encounter such a person. Without the natural presence of a mentor, however, some people contract with a professional coach or guide who has a studied understanding of the workplace or situation we’re involved in.
Mentors, coaches and guides help us tell our stories so that we can make sense of our lives. They prod, query and cajole. They tune their ears and intuition to the rhythms, pitches and arcs of our stories and reflect back what they hear to help us know who we are, where we have been, and what we are called to do. A mentor might offer unsolicited advice, and while a coach or guide might say she doesn’t give it, there are times when giving advice is appropriate. So is tough feedback. A mentor may have an emotional investment in our life and future, whereas a coach or guide might say that maintaining an emotional distance is necessary in order to help us progress toward the outcomes and goals we have set with her. The difference between them is more a linguistic one, whether they present themselves to us or we seek them out. While there may be variations in practice and style among mentors, coaches and guides, they share a common intention: to help us reach our fullest potential.
From time to time during coaching, the past will come up as a compass to the present and future. While some coaches are practicing therapists, most are not generally versed in the deeper psychological implications at the root of past experiences. Coaches and guides should, however, be able to help the client discover how patterns influence their present lives, and, when left unexamined, how they can hold sway over the future.
Effective coaches should have deep knowledge of the landscape their client works in. For example, an executive corporate coach should be versed in corporate language, culture and trends and understand the challenges that CEOs face. Those who coach school leaders and teachers should speak the language of a universe that includes the impact of urgency on the client’s leadership and management style; task juggling, relentless deadlines, fast rhythms, instructional leadership, management issues, giving and receiving feedback and working with families and communities. Some coaches and guides are “multi-lingual” with the ability, talent and experience to coach across work cultures and terrains.
There is no codified way to coach; coaching is an art form that must be practiced to master. Deep listening, keeping your ego in check and trusting your intuition are key to the process. We enter into a sacred relationship with people when they entrust us with their well-being, therefore, the responsibility of coaching must be taken very seriously.
Mentors, coaches and guides help us tell our stories so that we can make sense of our lives. They prod, query and cajole. They tune their ears and intuition to the rhythms, pitches and arcs of our stories and reflect back what they hear to help us know who we are, where we have been, and what we are called to do. A mentor might offer unsolicited advice, and while a coach or guide might say she doesn’t give it, there are times when giving advice is appropriate. So is tough feedback. A mentor may have an emotional investment in our life and future, whereas a coach or guide might say that maintaining an emotional distance is necessary in order to help us progress toward the outcomes and goals we have set with her. The difference between them is more a linguistic one, whether they present themselves to us or we seek them out. While there may be variations in practice and style among mentors, coaches and guides, they share a common intention: to help us reach our fullest potential.
From time to time during coaching, the past will come up as a compass to the present and future. While some coaches are practicing therapists, most are not generally versed in the deeper psychological implications at the root of past experiences. Coaches and guides should, however, be able to help the client discover how patterns influence their present lives, and, when left unexamined, how they can hold sway over the future.
Effective coaches should have deep knowledge of the landscape their client works in. For example, an executive corporate coach should be versed in corporate language, culture and trends and understand the challenges that CEOs face. Those who coach school leaders and teachers should speak the language of a universe that includes the impact of urgency on the client’s leadership and management style; task juggling, relentless deadlines, fast rhythms, instructional leadership, management issues, giving and receiving feedback and working with families and communities. Some coaches and guides are “multi-lingual” with the ability, talent and experience to coach across work cultures and terrains.
There is no codified way to coach; coaching is an art form that must be practiced to master. Deep listening, keeping your ego in check and trusting your intuition are key to the process. We enter into a sacred relationship with people when they entrust us with their well-being, therefore, the responsibility of coaching must be taken very seriously.
Coaching Prompts
Coaching Prompts
Coaching Prompts are designed to gather data, push thinking and guide
the individual toward solving problems. Coaching is most effective when done in
the presence of evaluation and the absence of judgment – allowing curiosity to
guide the Prompts. Some of the prompts below can be turned into declarative
statements depending on whether you are building a relationship with the person
or have an established, trusting one. Prompts
are in no particular order.
- What’s clearer to you since we last met?
- What good things have happened since we last spoke?
- Tell me more about that.
- What have you already tried?
- What would you like me to know?
- I’m wondering…
- How have you solved other similar problems?
- What’s at stake?
- What outcome do you want?
- Are there things you are worried about regarding the
process or outcome?
- What is your job supposed to be?
- Do you have the tools you need?
- What does your manager expect of you?
- (When a person says: I don’t know), respond: If you did know, what would you say?
- If you were coaching someone, what would you tell them?
- How would you redirect that scene?
- How do you think your demeanor presents to others?
- Are you able to put yourself in the other’s shoes?
- How do you foster
relationships?
- Can you articulate how your scope is wider this year
than last year?
- Are you being effective?
- How will you know when you’re successful?
- What are the consequences of that action?
- Help me understand The Why of The What.
- Does your staff know The Why?
- Do your students?
- Is it urgent?
- Is this thought True?
- What are your goals?
- What habits do you want to build and what habits do you want to break (in specific growth areas)?
- What do you find challenging about leadership?
- What are you good at?
- Can you sort these tasks by importance?
- What’s your strategy?
- What are you encouraged by?
- How do you usually solve problems?
- Do your teachers know what is expected of them?
- Are you thinking as a teacher or a leader?
- When you coach teachers, what are you learning?
- How do you spend your time with teachers?
- Are you being busy about the right stuff?
- What are the 2 things you do really well that you can
choose as priorities?
- What is the collective thing the group is pushing
for?
- What can you work on that you have passion for?
- What can you delegate?
- What are you doing that’s having an impact on Kids?
- That’s a strong reaction
- A pattern I notice is…
- Drama is seductive.
- What’s going to work in the long run?
- Silence.
Check in during the session:
·
Is this helpful?
·
What do you need more of? Less of?
·
What worked?
·
What didn’t work?
·
What leadership lessons have you learned today?
Interrupting Patterns
When we’re coaching, we might begin to notice that the client has particular patterns of behavior that emerge when engaging in uncomfortable or challenging situations. We might feel that the client is trying to manipulate us or others, or even discover that we don’t like the person’s behavior. When a client engages in behavior that “presses your buttons,” silently notice your feelings (Feelings Trump Thinking), then ask yourself: What outcome are we working toward, or what problem are we trying to solve? This will move you from your feelings to your brain. This makes it possible to help the client make discoveries about how these patterns could be interfering with his ability to solve problems, have more productive relationships with colleagues and be a successful leader.
It’s important to train ourselves as coaches to view manipulative behavior as a pattern of response that the client has been practicing for a long time because it may have served him in the past. For example: The client may have grown up in a competitive and noisy family and had to interrupt family members in order to be heard. Or perhaps he had to keep his opinions to himself to avoid someone’s wrath. In his role as a leader, this behavior no longer serves him and we want to guide him to see how a pattern of interrupting others, or remaining silent isn’t accommodating leadership. This doesn’t mean that we should mine his childhood looking for clues to his pattern. Instead, we notice and acknowledge the behavior.
Coaching Script
When I become aware of a pattern in a client, I first check in before I check out with him and silently acknowledge any feelings I may have. Reminding myself that all coaching roads lead back to leadership, I then ask myself: What outcome do I want? To help the client be the best leader he can: in this case, it’s to acknowledge the pattern and reshape or replace it. It’s also important to remind myself to feel gratitude for the wisdom he had to develop a pattern that once served him. I then begin with the explanation that we’re grateful for patterns we develop because they can be helpful; sometimes even save us. I use the two examples above example to illustrate this. Then:
A pattern I notice is that you tend to interrupt (or remain silent). This pattern likely served you well in other areas of your life for reasons that you may or may not recognize. I’m wondering if you can see how it might not be serving you now as a leader. The client almost always recognizes the origin of the pattern and how it now interferes. It’s only important that YOU understand where the pattern developed; I don’t need to know. Our job together is to find a way to reshape or replace this behavior to serve you and your staff more effectively: a way for you to be in charge of the pattern so it’s not in charge of you.
Replacing undesirable behavior is key when trying to change it: when we give up smoking or eating luscious desserts, we are most successful when we replace the cigarette or chocolate soufflé cake with carrots or fruit. It may be unsatisfying for awhile, but eventually we feel better, can breathe more comfortably, smell better, look better and can fit into our favorite jeans again. And, people give us terrific feedback on our new health or look. We’ve broken a pattern that has served us for sometime: the cigarette gave us a jump start, the soufflé was comfort food.
Point of Entry
To disrupt an active pattern, ask a question that takes him to new territory. It is likely that this hasn’t occurred before. The thing that makes patterns work is the dependability of the response the person gets when he enters into his patterned behavior. But if we don’t lob the ball back over the net, he can’t keep hitting it back.
Example: Risa is in her second year as a leader with a strong vision for her school. She has hired experienced teachers and observes them occasionally. She says that she feels sure that she has made her vision clear, but sees teachers doing things that don’t support this. She is frustrated and feels as if the staff doesn’t respect or view her as a leader. Her interactions with them are generally uncomfortable, but she avoids giving feedback.
As she unfolds her story, her pitch rises and she sounds forceful, even a bit angry. I ask her for an example. She says that she articulated her vision to the staff that all children should be treated with respect. She says she observed one of her teachers in the classroom and has noticed that she sometimes has a negative demeanor in particular situations: the teacher shrugs her shoulders and sighs when a student doesn’t know the answer, then walks away from the student immediately. Risa says this makes her uncomfortable and she doesn’t know how to give constructive feedback in negative situations.
Coaching Script
Is this issue of conflict something specific to this teacher, or is this a familiar feeling? After some hesitation, she says that it’s always been true. I gently offer: We often develop patterns as a coping or survival method (the child in a noisy family scenario). Does this make sense to your own history. (She doesn’t need to tell me what it is.) I gently remind her: Patterns that once served us might undermine us in a leadership position, so we need to alter the pattern. Them, I help her develop and practice a script for talking with the teacher and trust the client will absorb the lesson of the pattern. It will come up again in other, more sophisticated ways until she gets the lesson and you will have other opportunities to work on this together.
This process of inquiry intertwined with direct feedback and constructs (scripting) moves beyond dual purpose coaching into multi -purpose coaching:
• It helps the leader gain self awareness.
• It offers the leader specific, purposeful, useful tools and scripts that she can translate to other situations.
• It offers her a method for her own coaching of teachers.
While listening to your client tell his story – define the problem, talk about what he has tried, and several possible outcomes – notice when he begins to repeat himself or circle back to the beginning. This is the point where you will want to disrupt the circle by reflecting what you have heard, offer other ways to think about it and new action to consider. Give him time to respond.
It’s important to train ourselves as coaches to view manipulative behavior as a pattern of response that the client has been practicing for a long time because it may have served him in the past. For example: The client may have grown up in a competitive and noisy family and had to interrupt family members in order to be heard. Or perhaps he had to keep his opinions to himself to avoid someone’s wrath. In his role as a leader, this behavior no longer serves him and we want to guide him to see how a pattern of interrupting others, or remaining silent isn’t accommodating leadership. This doesn’t mean that we should mine his childhood looking for clues to his pattern. Instead, we notice and acknowledge the behavior.
Coaching Script
When I become aware of a pattern in a client, I first check in before I check out with him and silently acknowledge any feelings I may have. Reminding myself that all coaching roads lead back to leadership, I then ask myself: What outcome do I want? To help the client be the best leader he can: in this case, it’s to acknowledge the pattern and reshape or replace it. It’s also important to remind myself to feel gratitude for the wisdom he had to develop a pattern that once served him. I then begin with the explanation that we’re grateful for patterns we develop because they can be helpful; sometimes even save us. I use the two examples above example to illustrate this. Then:
A pattern I notice is that you tend to interrupt (or remain silent). This pattern likely served you well in other areas of your life for reasons that you may or may not recognize. I’m wondering if you can see how it might not be serving you now as a leader. The client almost always recognizes the origin of the pattern and how it now interferes. It’s only important that YOU understand where the pattern developed; I don’t need to know. Our job together is to find a way to reshape or replace this behavior to serve you and your staff more effectively: a way for you to be in charge of the pattern so it’s not in charge of you.
Replacing undesirable behavior is key when trying to change it: when we give up smoking or eating luscious desserts, we are most successful when we replace the cigarette or chocolate soufflé cake with carrots or fruit. It may be unsatisfying for awhile, but eventually we feel better, can breathe more comfortably, smell better, look better and can fit into our favorite jeans again. And, people give us terrific feedback on our new health or look. We’ve broken a pattern that has served us for sometime: the cigarette gave us a jump start, the soufflé was comfort food.
Point of Entry
To disrupt an active pattern, ask a question that takes him to new territory. It is likely that this hasn’t occurred before. The thing that makes patterns work is the dependability of the response the person gets when he enters into his patterned behavior. But if we don’t lob the ball back over the net, he can’t keep hitting it back.
Example: Risa is in her second year as a leader with a strong vision for her school. She has hired experienced teachers and observes them occasionally. She says that she feels sure that she has made her vision clear, but sees teachers doing things that don’t support this. She is frustrated and feels as if the staff doesn’t respect or view her as a leader. Her interactions with them are generally uncomfortable, but she avoids giving feedback.
As she unfolds her story, her pitch rises and she sounds forceful, even a bit angry. I ask her for an example. She says that she articulated her vision to the staff that all children should be treated with respect. She says she observed one of her teachers in the classroom and has noticed that she sometimes has a negative demeanor in particular situations: the teacher shrugs her shoulders and sighs when a student doesn’t know the answer, then walks away from the student immediately. Risa says this makes her uncomfortable and she doesn’t know how to give constructive feedback in negative situations.
Coaching Script
Is this issue of conflict something specific to this teacher, or is this a familiar feeling? After some hesitation, she says that it’s always been true. I gently offer: We often develop patterns as a coping or survival method (the child in a noisy family scenario). Does this make sense to your own history. (She doesn’t need to tell me what it is.) I gently remind her: Patterns that once served us might undermine us in a leadership position, so we need to alter the pattern. Them, I help her develop and practice a script for talking with the teacher and trust the client will absorb the lesson of the pattern. It will come up again in other, more sophisticated ways until she gets the lesson and you will have other opportunities to work on this together.
This process of inquiry intertwined with direct feedback and constructs (scripting) moves beyond dual purpose coaching into multi -purpose coaching:
• It helps the leader gain self awareness.
• It offers the leader specific, purposeful, useful tools and scripts that she can translate to other situations.
• It offers her a method for her own coaching of teachers.
While listening to your client tell his story – define the problem, talk about what he has tried, and several possible outcomes – notice when he begins to repeat himself or circle back to the beginning. This is the point where you will want to disrupt the circle by reflecting what you have heard, offer other ways to think about it and new action to consider. Give him time to respond.
Feelings Trump Thinking: Embracing Change Through Authentic Conversations
As leaders, we are frequently engaged in conversations with colleagues to transform behavior. Perhaps we want teachers to adopt a curriculum; to manage their classrooms more effectively; to be more positive with students and families; to turn their lesson plans in on time, to assume more leadership...
We find ourselves at this conversation crossroad because the behavior isn’t meeting our expectations and we want and expect change. We can think of these moments as “difficult conversations,” but I prefer to call them Authentic Conversations because language drives intention and action: if we think it will be difficult, it likely will be. If, however, we set our intention toward successful outcomes and approach conversations from this mindset, the potential for success is exponentially increased.
The model below is rooted in four concepts ↔
We are all engaged in Continuous Learning
The Leader Coach holds a higher vision of staff members than they may hold of themselves.
Change is driven by The Why. *
Trusting relationships and respect are at the heart of leading, managing and embracing change, and make it possible to engage in tough feedback when the situation calls for it.
Below is a sample opening script for an Authentic Conversation with the desired outcome of adjusted behavior. Before engaging, it’s wise to pause, focus, breathe and have the intention to bring out the best in the other person. (Always have Authentic Conversations face to face: never through email.)
Script Amalia, here’s something I know about myself that I’m working on: tone and interactions. It’s been really helpful to me when people give me feedback. ↔ (Continuous Learning) So I’d like to give you some feedback because I see your potential as a strong instructional leader on campus. ↔ (Higher Vision than she may hold of herself). To be successful, it’s important to understand how we come across because self awareness is key to leadership. ↔ (The Why). Can I offer feedback? (Wait for the Yes which almost always is the answer.) ↔ (Respect)
The Amalia I met in August – the one who used to smile and radiate joy, is not the same Amalia I see now in October. For example, when I said good morning today, you shrugged your shoulders. When I pass you in the hall, you make no eye contact and often wear a frown. You have a strong influential presence and I am concerned that you are bringing this to our kids and influencing other colleagues’ moods. What has changed for you here at school since August?
Two notes on the Script:
1: It’s important to describe the actual behavior rather than ascribe intention. For example: The coach might have said, “You seem aloof in the hall.” But that is a subjective assumption rather than a Specific Observation and doesn’t offer Amalia any clues to her behavior to help her know what she might change. Specific Observation names the gestures and postures that create the assumption.
2: Notice that the coach says: “Here at school.” This is a way to narrow the scope of the conversation and respect Amalia’s personal life.)
Next step: Allow Amalia to tell her story during which she may introduce personal information. Regardless of what she brings to the conversation, always bring it back to what she and/or you can do to help her solve the problem so she can be the effective teacher and future leader you envision her to be. This will require you to embrace duality:
Be compassionate – remember what it’s like to be in a rough place
Remain true to your vision and expectations.
* The Why: Work Transformationally –Begin with The Why, which should always be rooted in your vision for an education that is in the best interest of our Kids.. The temptation to make tactical or transactional tweaks when engaged in the urgent work of urban education is seductive because it gives us something to do, to try, and doesn’t require fundamental change. It seems easier. But tactical changes, without rooted in the vision, generally do not have an impact on adaptive outcomes and we find ourselves moving from one change to another to try to transform behavior
We find ourselves at this conversation crossroad because the behavior isn’t meeting our expectations and we want and expect change. We can think of these moments as “difficult conversations,” but I prefer to call them Authentic Conversations because language drives intention and action: if we think it will be difficult, it likely will be. If, however, we set our intention toward successful outcomes and approach conversations from this mindset, the potential for success is exponentially increased.
The model below is rooted in four concepts ↔
We are all engaged in Continuous Learning
The Leader Coach holds a higher vision of staff members than they may hold of themselves.
Change is driven by The Why. *
Trusting relationships and respect are at the heart of leading, managing and embracing change, and make it possible to engage in tough feedback when the situation calls for it.
Below is a sample opening script for an Authentic Conversation with the desired outcome of adjusted behavior. Before engaging, it’s wise to pause, focus, breathe and have the intention to bring out the best in the other person. (Always have Authentic Conversations face to face: never through email.)
Script Amalia, here’s something I know about myself that I’m working on: tone and interactions. It’s been really helpful to me when people give me feedback. ↔ (Continuous Learning) So I’d like to give you some feedback because I see your potential as a strong instructional leader on campus. ↔ (Higher Vision than she may hold of herself). To be successful, it’s important to understand how we come across because self awareness is key to leadership. ↔ (The Why). Can I offer feedback? (Wait for the Yes which almost always is the answer.) ↔ (Respect)
The Amalia I met in August – the one who used to smile and radiate joy, is not the same Amalia I see now in October. For example, when I said good morning today, you shrugged your shoulders. When I pass you in the hall, you make no eye contact and often wear a frown. You have a strong influential presence and I am concerned that you are bringing this to our kids and influencing other colleagues’ moods. What has changed for you here at school since August?
Two notes on the Script:
1: It’s important to describe the actual behavior rather than ascribe intention. For example: The coach might have said, “You seem aloof in the hall.” But that is a subjective assumption rather than a Specific Observation and doesn’t offer Amalia any clues to her behavior to help her know what she might change. Specific Observation names the gestures and postures that create the assumption.
2: Notice that the coach says: “Here at school.” This is a way to narrow the scope of the conversation and respect Amalia’s personal life.)
Next step: Allow Amalia to tell her story during which she may introduce personal information. Regardless of what she brings to the conversation, always bring it back to what she and/or you can do to help her solve the problem so she can be the effective teacher and future leader you envision her to be. This will require you to embrace duality:
Be compassionate – remember what it’s like to be in a rough place
Remain true to your vision and expectations.
* The Why: Work Transformationally –Begin with The Why, which should always be rooted in your vision for an education that is in the best interest of our Kids.. The temptation to make tactical or transactional tweaks when engaged in the urgent work of urban education is seductive because it gives us something to do, to try, and doesn’t require fundamental change. It seems easier. But tactical changes, without rooted in the vision, generally do not have an impact on adaptive outcomes and we find ourselves moving from one change to another to try to transform behavior
Feelings Trump Thinking: How not to take the bait
When teachers and other staff members come to us with challenges they’re having with other colleagues, it’s easy to fall into the trap of wanting to fix it for them. We ascribe this to our desire to free them up to teach or do their jobs. The reality is, it’s often because we don’t know what else to do. Would you like me to help? I’ll talk to so and so for you, or I’ll fix that – these are traps that are easy to fall into when we don’t have tools to help staff learn to solve their own problems and resolve conflict.
When we offer tools
• The teacher gains an opportunity to develop and practice her own leadership and Authentic Conversation skills.
• Staff gains an opportunity to learn the skills of adult leadership and accountability.
• We gain an opportunity to coach the person to solve her own problems, otherwise, she’ll be back next week with another, often more complex problem to take on.
• We have an opportunity to grow as a leader/coach.
When we take the bait
• We become overburdened by being the Go To person: Our To Do list lengthens, the number of 3rd party Authentic Conversations grows, looms and spirals, and we feel like the bad guy.
• Without skills to solve their own problems, colleagues feel insecure about their work and ability. This often creates a morale issue in the school and isolates us from staff. It can also foster gossip as a way of creating a collective identity.
• We become exhausted and spiritually drained.
• Our Kids suffer.
How not to take the bait
The next time a colleague comes to you with a problem she or he is having with another staff member, here’s a coaching model to guide them. Remembering that feelings trump thinking:
• Have the intention of helping staff learn how to solve their own problems.
• Listen carefully with that intention.
»This lights up the part of your brain where optimism, self-observation and compassion reside
• Notice your feelings and name them silently
»“What you resist persists” (Carl Jung). Unacknowledged feelings drive our actions.
• Smile internally in recognition of the feelings
»This reinforces optimism, self-observation and compassion
• Breathe and notice your breathing
»This brings you into the present
• Ask yourself: What outcome do I want: begin with the end in mind.
»This takes you into your thinking brain.
• Narrow the scope of the outcome to address the situation.
»Example: I would like this teacher to have a conversation directly with a colleague who offended her. The process of guiding her to that outcome can be transformational.
Throughout your coaching session with the person, you may need to silently repeat the How Not to Take the Bait technique as bait continues to be offered to you.
Then use Coaching Prompts
• What have you already tried?
»This offers you data and sets the stage for her to own the problem.
• What happened when you said that?
• What outcome do you want?
• What will you say to her toward that outcome that’s possible
»Remind the person to frame her statements in a non-accusatory way and to communicate in person, not through email.
Scripting
• If she doesn’t know what to say, you can offer a script:
»It really hurt my feelings when you said that I wasn’t working hard enough. It would have been more helpful if you had been more specific and told me what your expectations of me are so I can meet them. What do you think he would say?
»People almost always know what the response is likely to be. If they don’t, ask: If you did know, what would you say? This often works, even with Kids.
Practice
• Ask her when she will schedule this Authentic Conversation.
• Check in with her afterward to see how it went and what she learned from it.
When we offer tools
• The teacher gains an opportunity to develop and practice her own leadership and Authentic Conversation skills.
• Staff gains an opportunity to learn the skills of adult leadership and accountability.
• We gain an opportunity to coach the person to solve her own problems, otherwise, she’ll be back next week with another, often more complex problem to take on.
• We have an opportunity to grow as a leader/coach.
When we take the bait
• We become overburdened by being the Go To person: Our To Do list lengthens, the number of 3rd party Authentic Conversations grows, looms and spirals, and we feel like the bad guy.
• Without skills to solve their own problems, colleagues feel insecure about their work and ability. This often creates a morale issue in the school and isolates us from staff. It can also foster gossip as a way of creating a collective identity.
• We become exhausted and spiritually drained.
• Our Kids suffer.
How not to take the bait
The next time a colleague comes to you with a problem she or he is having with another staff member, here’s a coaching model to guide them. Remembering that feelings trump thinking:
• Have the intention of helping staff learn how to solve their own problems.
• Listen carefully with that intention.
»This lights up the part of your brain where optimism, self-observation and compassion reside
• Notice your feelings and name them silently
»“What you resist persists” (Carl Jung). Unacknowledged feelings drive our actions.
• Smile internally in recognition of the feelings
»This reinforces optimism, self-observation and compassion
• Breathe and notice your breathing
»This brings you into the present
• Ask yourself: What outcome do I want: begin with the end in mind.
»This takes you into your thinking brain.
• Narrow the scope of the outcome to address the situation.
»Example: I would like this teacher to have a conversation directly with a colleague who offended her. The process of guiding her to that outcome can be transformational.
Throughout your coaching session with the person, you may need to silently repeat the How Not to Take the Bait technique as bait continues to be offered to you.
Then use Coaching Prompts
• What have you already tried?
»This offers you data and sets the stage for her to own the problem.
• What happened when you said that?
• What outcome do you want?
• What will you say to her toward that outcome that’s possible
»Remind the person to frame her statements in a non-accusatory way and to communicate in person, not through email.
Scripting
• If she doesn’t know what to say, you can offer a script:
»It really hurt my feelings when you said that I wasn’t working hard enough. It would have been more helpful if you had been more specific and told me what your expectations of me are so I can meet them. What do you think he would say?
»People almost always know what the response is likely to be. If they don’t, ask: If you did know, what would you say? This often works, even with Kids.
Practice
• Ask her when she will schedule this Authentic Conversation.
• Check in with her afterward to see how it went and what she learned from it.
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