When we’re coaching, we might begin to notice that the client has particular patterns of behavior that emerge when engaging in uncomfortable or challenging situations. We might feel that the client is trying to manipulate us or others, or even discover that we don’t like the person’s behavior. When a client engages in behavior that “presses your buttons,” silently notice your feelings (
Feelings Trump Thinking), then ask yourself: What outcome are we working toward, or what problem are we trying to solve? This will move you from your feelings to your brain. This makes it possible to help the client make discoveries about how these patterns could be interfering with his ability to solve problems, have more productive relationships with colleagues and be a successful leader.
It’s important to train ourselves as coaches to view manipulative behavior as a pattern of response that the client has been practicing for a long time because it may have served him in the past. For example: The client may have grown up in a competitive and noisy family and had to interrupt family members in order to be heard. Or perhaps he had to keep his opinions to himself to avoid someone’s wrath. In his role as a leader, this behavior no longer serves him and we want to guide him to see how a pattern of interrupting others, or remaining silent isn’t accommodating leadership. This doesn’t mean that we should mine his childhood looking for clues to his pattern. Instead, we notice and acknowledge the behavior.
Coaching Script
When I become aware of a pattern in a client, I first check in before I check out with him and silently acknowledge any feelings I may have. Reminding myself that all coaching roads lead back to leadership, I then ask myself: What outcome do I want? To help the client be the best leader he can: in this case, it’s to acknowledge the pattern and reshape or replace it. It’s also important to remind myself to feel gratitude for the wisdom he had to develop a pattern that once served him. I then begin with the explanation that we’re grateful for patterns we develop because they can be helpful; sometimes even save us. I use the two examples above example to illustrate this. Then:
A pattern I notice is that you tend to interrupt (or remain silent). This pattern likely served you well in other areas of your life for reasons that you may or may not recognize. I’m wondering if you can see how it might not be serving you now as a leader. The client almost always recognizes the origin of the pattern and how it now interferes. It’s only important that YOU understand where the pattern developed; I don’t need to know. Our job together is to find a way to reshape or replace this behavior to serve you and your staff more effectively: a way for you to be in charge of the pattern so it’s not in charge of you.
Replacing undesirable behavior is key when trying to change it: when we give up smoking or eating luscious desserts, we are most successful when we replace the cigarette or chocolate soufflé cake with carrots or fruit. It may be unsatisfying for awhile, but eventually we feel better, can breathe more comfortably, smell better, look better and can fit into our favorite jeans again. And, people give us terrific feedback on our new health or look. We’ve broken a pattern that has served us for sometime: the cigarette gave us a jump start, the soufflé was comfort food.
Point of Entry
To disrupt an active pattern, ask a question that takes him to new territory. It is likely that this hasn’t occurred before. The thing that makes patterns work is the dependability of the response the person gets when he enters into his patterned behavior. But if we don’t lob the ball back over the net, he can’t keep hitting it back.
Example: Risa is in her second year as a leader with a strong vision for her school. She has hired experienced teachers and observes them occasionally. She says that she feels sure that she has made her vision clear, but sees teachers doing things that don’t support this. She is frustrated and feels as if the staff doesn’t respect or view her as a leader. Her interactions with them are generally uncomfortable, but she avoids giving feedback.
As she unfolds her story, her pitch rises and she sounds forceful, even a bit angry. I ask her for an example. She says that she articulated her vision to the staff that all children should be treated with respect. She says she observed one of her teachers in the classroom and has noticed that she sometimes has a negative demeanor in particular situations: the teacher shrugs her shoulders and sighs when a student doesn’t know the answer, then walks away from the student immediately. Risa says this makes her uncomfortable and she doesn’t know how to give constructive feedback in negative situations.
Coaching Script Is this issue of conflict something specific to this teacher, or is this a familiar feeling? After some hesitation, she says that it’s always been true. I gently offer: We often develop patterns as a coping or survival method (the child in a noisy family scenario). Does this make sense to your own history. (She doesn’t need to tell me what it is.) I gently remind her: Patterns that once served us might undermine us in a leadership position, so we need to alter the pattern. Them, I help her develop and practice a script for talking with the teacher and trust the client will absorb the lesson of the pattern. It will come up again in other, more sophisticated ways until she gets the lesson and you will have other opportunities to work on this together.
This process of inquiry intertwined with direct feedback and constructs (scripting) moves beyond dual purpose coaching into multi -purpose coaching:
• It helps the leader gain self awareness.
• It offers the leader specific, purposeful, useful tools and scripts that she can translate to other situations.
• It offers her a method for her own coaching of teachers.
While listening to your client tell his story – define the problem, talk about what he has tried, and several possible outcomes – notice when he begins to repeat himself or circle back to the beginning. This is the point where you will want to disrupt the circle by reflecting what you have heard, offer other ways to think about it and new action to consider. Give him time to respond.
